Sometimes when S and M are out of office - haha, yes their initials spell "S&M" - I handle the Humjinsi helpline which is advertised under the counselling section of the newspaper. The exact ad reads, "Support for women who love women." No newspapers were willing to carry the words lesbian or bisexual. Shocking.

Here are some of my favourite calls so far:

"Hello. Party hai. Supply chahiye." [we're having a party. we need supply]

"Call girl milel ka?" [self-explanatory]

"Yes, hello, I am Dr. Mishra. I was interested in knowing if you have any
doctors working for you"
"No, I'm sorry, sir, we don't view it as being a medical disorder."
"Don't you think you need a medical facility for hormonal problems such as these?"

"Ha, main Sunil hoon, maine aapka ad paper mein pada. Yeh kya hai?" [My name is Sunil and I read your ad in the paper. What exactly is this?]
"Apne ad mein pada hoga ki hum sirf mahilayon se bat karte hain." [If you read the ad, you must've noticed that we only speak to women callers.]
(Silence)
"Ha, madam, hum to ledis hi hain. Sirf aavaz ekdam gents ke turah hai" [Oh, madam, but I'm a "ladies" (sic), I just sound like a man.]

(That is probably funnier if you know that Sunil, as a name, is kind of like John or David in its unquestionable maleness)

"Hello, darling, I love you."

Mujhe ma ke saath sex karna hai. Yeh normal hai kya?" [I want to have sex with my mother. Is this normal?]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, but most days I choose the former.