Stop me if you think you've heard this one before.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Moving.

I have moved blog and bloggage. If you want to know where - and if you tell me who you are - I'll tell you where. Leave me a comment and your e-mail address or e-mail me at aurina at gmail dot com.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

I can see clearly now the rain has gone.....

Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself by saying this; perhaps I'll take back my words tomorrow, but for the past few days, I have been feeling like I'm - prepare the drum roll, please - getting over him. There. I said it. It took me a while to type it out - I knew it would happen eventually, but I have to admit that part of me didn't want to get over him. Part of me felt that that would be denying what we had. I was subconsciously delaying "eventually" but that certainly wasn't doing me any favours.

Mitali said to me the other day, "Just because something isn't, doesn't mean it wasn't."

After I got his e-mail last week, I spent the day wallowing in a lot of hurt and disbelief. Mostly, though, I just felt exhausted. This entire relationship - which I've dubbed an "entanglement" - has been so exhausting from the get-go. I realised that I was tired of forgetting, forgiving, accepting, always taking the high road. I deserve more - I deserve consistency and balance and support and spontaenous kisses and endless love and to not be taken for granted. I deserve someone who sees my worth and treats me accordingly. I deserve someone to treat me with the respect I show them.

Of course no relationship is swimmingly perfect, but when you're greeted by a substantially large speed bump on your third night together, it might be - no it definitely is - time to step on the brakes. I overlooked that first looming sign because I wanted to; I wanted to move on as if nothing happened. He apologised, I forgave, we kissed and thereby began the vicious cycle of hurt and forgiveness and hurt and forgiveness and hurt and...

I realised that all this while I've been expending my efforts on trying to take the pain in my stride, to just grin and bear it. I wasn't trying in any way to move beyond it. But now, I am - albeit slowly - and all it took was one e-mail. All I had to do was type out those two sentences and I felt immeasurably better. When in need of boy advice, turn to Anam, I'm telling you. I listened to her and I feel so much better about everything. I'm not really sure what I'd do without that girl.

The good news is that I don't feel like I'll never meet anyone else or that I'll
constantly compare future guys to him. I was afraid to let go because I didn't want to be alone, but I was alone the entire time. I knew it too. I just didn't want to stare this ugly fact in the eye, that's all.

That said, I don't regret meeting him, I don't regret being involved with him, and I don't regret wanting him to stay in my life, albeit as a casual acquaintance. I'm not trying to malign him or say that I'm better than him in any way - we're both in just very different places in our lives. I'll always be deeply fond of him, and maybe part of me will always love him, but I'm ready to turn the page and start a new chapter.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Birthday Wishes and other things.

Happy Birthday,Steph!!!! I still remember the last time I saw you. I was on my way to the Centre to draft a press release, and you were walking with a very harrowed expression on your face. Turns it out it was the day of your Arabic final. I suppose that was almost exactly a year ago. We hugged each other goodbye and promised to keep in touch. I guess we have to thank the Blogosphere for facilitating that, huh? Have a fabulous day, and I hope your year ahead is filled with sunshine and love and music and laughter.

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Okay, so apparently I don't pay enough attention to songs I've heard 3456 times. A few days ago, I was listening the The clash's "London Calling," and I realised that Garbage's "Stupid Girl" uses a sample from "Train in Vain." How did I not realise this earlier?!

I also realised that the chorus of David Bowie's "Starman" sounds uncannily like "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." No, really! Hum it. "There's a starman waiting in the sky..." and now hum, "somewhere over the rainbow..."

See?!


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I leave for the U.S in exactly 10 days. I'm really excited, but I'm not really looking forward to studying for/taking the LSATs. Ick. Why do I want to go to law school again?

I am, however, very excited about my trip to the East. So far, I know that I'm definitely seeing Rosemary, Surabhi, Abby, Jenny, Poochie and Mitali (see, I DO love you!). I might also see Callie, Andy, Rachael and Alex which, if all works out, would make me a terribly happy camper. I need to work on writing e-mails and planning stuff.

I've been so severely deprived of friends since I've been in Dubai that I think I might jump on them all. AHHHHH. Okay. Must. Calm. Down.

Friday, April 21, 2006

The Ice-Candy Man.

I finished reading The Ice-Candy Man - released in the US under the name "Cracking India" - by Bapsi Sidhwa and though I want to talk about it, I am speechless. The book has left me bursting at the seams - with respect, emotion, questions, horror, amazement. I am really astonished at how severely underrated the book is in the world of South Asian literature.

The book, simply put, is beautifully written. By using a child narrator, Sidhwa does a brillant job of relaying the senseless, incomprehensible yet tragically inevitable nature of ethnic violence. Even the beginning of the book that deals more with character development than the Partition is wonderfully crafted - my favourite part was the chapter dealing with Lenny's fear that her polio might be cured after all.

She says, " What will happen once the cast comes off? What if my foot emerges immaculate, fault-free? Will I have to behave like other children, slogging for my share of love and other handouts? (...) While other children have to clamour and jump around to earn their candy, I merely sit or stand, wearing my patient, butter-wouldn't-melt..and displaying my callipers - and I am showered with candy. (...) The sudden emergence from its cocoon of a beautifully balanced and shapely foot could put my sanguine personality and situation on the line."

To recap the story of the novel would be to diminish its brilliance - there is a lot more going on than a simple, linear narrative. No, her writing style is neither experimental nor complicated in the least, but it is richly layered; every anecdote contains a multitude of emotions and issues, all seen through the precocious yet ultimately bewildered protagonist, Lenny. The book is set in Lahore - still a part of India at the time - in a Parsi household. The narrator is a polio-afflicted child Lenny who is largely left in the care of her ayah.

As the book goes unravels, so does the Partition of India - the cast of characters in Lenny's comfortable life are suddenly reduced to their religions, with other aspects of their lives becoming frighteningly irrelevant. She watches with the impartial naivete of a child as Lahore welcomes hordes of Muslim refugees - dead and alive - while evicting, slaughtering, raping the Hindus and Sikhs to whom Lahore was home. Sidhwa also allows us a glimpse into the situation in rural Punjab through the cook Imam Din whose Muslim family resides in a village that has been assigned to India, and is ultimately destroyed by fundamentalist Sikhs.

Being Parsi, the Sethi family is never dragged into the thick of the violence. They watch, unsettled, as their neighbours disappear into the blood-tinged frenzy. While Lenny is disturbed by the scenes and sounds of violence, for her, the situation only really hits home when her beloved ayah is dragged away from their house on account of being Hindu. What transpires afterwards is hugely compelling - the power of Sidhwa's writing stems from the painful humanity exuded by her characters. Lenny trusts the Ice-Candy Man as she is aware of his love for her ayah, and her "truth-infected" tongue betrays the ayah's hiding place. Despite the heinous actions of the Ice-Candy man, Sidhwa manages to portray him not as a villain, but as someone coping with the enormity of his bloody circumstances by falling prey to the desperately unscrupulous nature of love. Similarly, the cook Imam Din, who even falsely swears on Allah to protect Ayah, exploits her new profession by seeking refuge in her previously unattainable flesh. But even though ayah has been ruthlessly betrayed in several ways, Sidhwa imbues her with astonishing resilience, which is refreshing from the "woman-as-helpless-victim" paradigm to which a considerable number of authors resort. In fact, all of Sidhwa's female characters are strong and independent, including little Lenny whose naive determination, brilliant curiosity and unwavering compassion brought a lump to my throat several times.

I read a few reviews of the book that criticized the writing for being unrealistically sophisticated as it is meant to be written by a child. I disagree with that for two reasons: Lenny's precociousness is not random, but very meticulously developed by Sidhwa. She is constantly in the company of adults like Godmother who respect the child enough to supply her with the truth at all times. She also spends an inordinate amount of time with Ayah and her motley crew of suitors through whom she gains an understanding - however hazy - of pleasure, sexuality, religion and politics. Sidhwa, however, never allows us to forget that she's merely a child through Lenny's inability to understand how a country can be physically partitioned and her stubborn belief that her mother and aunt are the key arsonists behind the burning of Lahore. Secondly, and perhaps more relevantly, I think Sidhwa makes it clear that Lenny is writing the book as an adult as she makes subtle references to future situations that do not otherwise come under the scope of the novel. Besides, for me at least, the beauty of fiction lies in throwing caution to the wind when it comes to fussy, largely irrelevant details.

Another complaint against the book was the usage of too many words in Punjabi/Urdu - The Penguin edition that I read, parenthetically translated each of these and in fact, my complaint was that it detracted from the narrative by being over-explanatory. I know it's easy for me to say that since I do understand the languages, but I agree with Rushdie's contention that it is not the exact meaning of the word that is important but rather the visuals and feelings they elicit. I think he compared it to his being able to appreciate and enjoy a Philip Roth novel without knowing Yiddish or anything about Jewish-American culture. Maybe my non-South Asian Rushdie-and-other-South-Asian-writer-reading friends can give me their opinions?

I want to talk a little bit about the film adapation, but I think I'll save that for later. I sure talk a lot for someone who declared herself "speechless" about 46229 sentences ago. I won't say more, but instead will leave you with the passage of the book that first talks about the Partition:

There is much disturbing talk. India is going to be broken. Can one break a country? And what happens if they break it where our house is? Or crack it further up on Warris Road? How will I ever get to Godmother's then?

I ask Cousin.

"Rubbish," he says, "no one's going to break India. It's not made of glass."

I ask Ayah.

"They'll dig a canal..." she ventures. "This side for Hindustan and this side for Pakistan. If they want two countries, that's what they'll have to do - crack India with a long long canal.

Gandhi, Jinnah, Nehru, Iqbal, Tara Singh, Mountbatten are names I hear. And I become aware of religious differences.

It is sudden. One day is everybody is themsevles - and the next day they are Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Christian. People shrink, dwindling into symbols. Ayah is no longer just my all-encompassing Ayah - she is also a token. A Hindu (...) Imam din and Yousuf, turning into religious zealots, warn Mother they will take Friday afternoons off for the Jumha prayers (...) Crammed into a narrow religious slot, they are diminished as are Jinnah and Iqbal, Ice Candy Man and Masseur. Hari and Moti-the-sweeper and his wife Muccho and their untouchable daughter Pappoo become ever more untouchable as they are entrenced deeper in their low Hindu caste (...)

The Rogers of Birdwood Barracks, Queen Victoria and King George are English Christians: they look down their noses upon the Pens who are Anglo-Indian who look down theirs on the Phailbuses who are Indian Christians who look down upon all Non-Christians.

Godmother, Slavesister, Electric Aunt and my nuclear family are reduced to irrelevant nomenclatures - we are Parsee.

What is God?


(Pg 93-94)

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Listen to the pretty sound of music as she flies...

For no reason at all, I compiled a list of all-time favourite songs. I'm restricting it to twenty, and to one song per artist, so it's not a comprehensive - or exhaustive - list by any means. I'm also posting the lyrics to "Waterloo Sunset" because I'm listening to it on my headphones right now, and I'm struck yet again by how stunningly perfect the song is in every goddamned way.


In no order:


1)The Beatles - Dear Prudence

2) Elliott Smith - Condor Avenue

3) Bob Dylan - Tangled Up in Blue

4) Van Morrison - Astral Weeks

5) U2 - One

6)Fiona Apple - Paper Bag

7) CSNY - Our House

8) Beck - Cold Brains

9) The Zombies - This Will Be Our Year

10) The Kinks - Waterloo Sunset

11) Jeff Buckley - Lover, You Should've Come Over

12) Wilco - Nothingsevergonnastandinmyway

13) Travelling Wilburys - Handle with Care

14) Paul Simon - Duncan

15) Simon and Garfunkel - America

16) Leonard Cohen - Chelsea Hotel #2

17) Velvet Underground - Venus in Furs

18) The Byrds - Eight Miles High

19) The Smiths - There is a Light That Never Goes Out

20) David Bowie - Oh You Pretty Things!



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Dirty old river, must you keep rolling
Flowing into the night
People so busy, makes me feel dizzy
Taxi light shines so bright
But I don’t need no friends
As long as I gaze on waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset’s fine

Terry meets julie, waterloo station
Every friday night
But I am so lazy, don’t want to wander
I stay at home at night
But I don’t feel afraid
As long as I gaze on waterloo sunset
I am in paradise

Every day I look at the world from my window
But chilly, chilly is the evening time
Waterloo sunset’s fine

Millions of people swarming like flies ’round waterloo underground
But terry and julie cross over the river
Where they feel safe and sound
And the don’t need no friends
As long as they gaze on waterloo sunset
They are in paradise

Waterloo sunset’s fine

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Happy New Year, Syriana and Minor Accidents.

I don't think there are any Bengalis (except Poochie, of course) who read this, but in any case: Shubo Nabo Barsha! Notun bochhorer shubechha shobai ke. Excuse the terrible transliteration.

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Yesterday we had quite the adventure. My parents and I were on our way to watch Syriana with Tulu Mashi and Shomi Uncle. My dad missed the exit for the movie theatre - we thought we'd just turn around at the next left/U-turn. We drove for quite a while but there didn't seem to be any U-Turns, so my mum and I advised Dad to take the next right exit and navigate accordingly. Daddy, of course, being as stubborn as ever, insisted that the next U-turn was just a few minutes away. So we drove. And we drove some more. And then we exited Dubai. And then we entered Sharjah. And no. No. Still no left turns.

Finally we found an interchange that would take us back to Dubai. It was already 4:10, and the film was going to start at 4:40. Just a few minutes after we got on it, though, Dad missed the jutting pavement and we banged into it with a fair bit of force. There was a loud "boom!" and sure enough our front tyre had burst. Dad set about replacing the tyre while I stayed in the car to call Tulu Mashi and tell them that we wouldn't be able to make it to the movie. None of the cars passing by even offered to help. Once I was done on the phone, I assisted Dad which was very interesting since I was in a skirt that,as skirts often do, hiked up while I screwed in the bolts of the tyres or whatever. Maybe it was just a coincidence, but it was only when they saw me struggling with the spare that people - nix that, men - stopped and inquired if we needed their help. Dad and I were damn efficient though. Not only did we replace the tyre by ourselves, but we did it so speedily that we made it back to Dubai in time for the show! We thought we'd miss the first five minutes, but we when we went in, the trailers were still playing. It was very exciting.

I don't want to write too much about the film - it came to Dubai aamid a lot of controversy which, of course, meant that a significant portion of it was hacked by censors. I definitely would want to watch it on DVD before I make any judgements. That said, it was really exciting to spot all the places in Dubai where it was shot. Also, one of the extras - he actually had a speaking part - turned out to be one of dad's model co-ordinators here. There was a moment of "man, that guy looks so familiar.." before my parents and I squealed in unison, "Nabeel!" He probably provided the local extras for the film.

I got the feeling the public didn't approve of the film too much. The theatre was unusually packed, but a lot of people walked out halfway through the film which I found very interesting.

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I went to the library today and picked up The Ice-Candy Man by Bapsi Sidhwa - which I've been wanting to read for a long long time - and John Irving's The Water-Method Man. I'm really excited to read the former; the Partition is one of those (horrific) periods in South Asian history that I'm endlessly fascinated with.

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Reason #24352 I love SACOMSS:


Thursday, April 13, 2006

What if this is as good as it gets?

3 a.m. Sunday. Borrowed jeep. Backseat. Head on lap. Legs stretched to a point and then curled. Movie. 100th time. Semi-drunken quotes.

I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth.


Bandra Reclamation flyover. Sea breeze. Delinquent hair. Warmth of love. Or maybe just rum. Tongue in ear. Momentarily.


I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do

Home. Revelry. Perfect performance. Tequila salt. Bonding with strangers. 6:00 a.m good-byes.

in every single thought that you have,

Dark bedroom. Sudden tranformation. Twisting arms. Accusations. Eff. Tears. Off. Melting. Frantic. Almost. Intimate. Dawn. Ashtrays. Tears. Tears. Tears.

and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good.

Afternoon. John Irving. Opened eyes. Entwined limbs. Cooed apologies. Verbal love notes. Explanations. Excuses. Hurt. Balm.

I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive.


Pleas buried in neck. Confessions. Two-sided hurt. Clothes like burnt skin. Beautiful confusion. Incomplete. Farewells. I promise. Movie. Again. Remember the part when....?

And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.