I can see clearly now the rain has gone.....

Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself by saying this; perhaps I'll take back my words tomorrow, but for the past few days, I have been feeling like I'm - prepare the drum roll, please - getting over him. There. I said it. It took me a while to type it out - I knew it would happen eventually, but I have to admit that part of me didn't want to get over him. Part of me felt that that would be denying what we had. I was subconsciously delaying "eventually" but that certainly wasn't doing me any favours.

Mitali said to me the other day, "Just because something isn't, doesn't mean it wasn't."

After I got his e-mail last week, I spent the day wallowing in a lot of hurt and disbelief. Mostly, though, I just felt exhausted. This entire relationship - which I've dubbed an "entanglement" - has been so exhausting from the get-go. I realised that I was tired of forgetting, forgiving, accepting, always taking the high road. I deserve more - I deserve consistency and balance and support and spontaenous kisses and endless love and to not be taken for granted. I deserve someone who sees my worth and treats me accordingly. I deserve someone to treat me with the respect I show them.

Of course no relationship is swimmingly perfect, but when you're greeted by a substantially large speed bump on your third night together, it might be - no it definitely is - time to step on the brakes. I overlooked that first looming sign because I wanted to; I wanted to move on as if nothing happened. He apologised, I forgave, we kissed and thereby began the vicious cycle of hurt and forgiveness and hurt and forgiveness and hurt and...

I realised that all this while I've been expending my efforts on trying to take the pain in my stride, to just grin and bear it. I wasn't trying in any way to move beyond it. But now, I am - albeit slowly - and all it took was one e-mail. All I had to do was type out those two sentences and I felt immeasurably better. When in need of boy advice, turn to Anam, I'm telling you. I listened to her and I feel so much better about everything. I'm not really sure what I'd do without that girl.

The good news is that I don't feel like I'll never meet anyone else or that I'll
constantly compare future guys to him. I was afraid to let go because I didn't want to be alone, but I was alone the entire time. I knew it too. I just didn't want to stare this ugly fact in the eye, that's all.

That said, I don't regret meeting him, I don't regret being involved with him, and I don't regret wanting him to stay in my life, albeit as a casual acquaintance. I'm not trying to malign him or say that I'm better than him in any way - we're both in just very different places in our lives. I'll always be deeply fond of him, and maybe part of me will always love him, but I'm ready to turn the page and start a new chapter.